no face

Last night i was wondering what life would be like if we all had no faces, yes these thoughts go through my head, leave me alone. If we all had no faces or and physical defining features, e.g we all looked the same then people would stand out for who they were and what they did, the face is a mask sent to confuse us, u make up so many assumptions on a face.... wonders to ponder land

Im done, well almost but technically, most people are wet blankets atm! CROWN TONIGHT :)

ok so

im almost done, things are going to change so much that its guna be scary, please give me the job, i hope i impress tomorrow, if i get the job i can save more for my masters and traveling, il never ever ever see my friends like i see them now, all the time, casually, they'l have different lives, im glad i have my best friend she'l always be there, maybe some of these new people will prove to be the same

the hope for something that might never happen

Kills. Miss home today thanks to some one cooking roast dinner and making me think of mum. Want this thing that i want so badly its not even cool, day dreams of home and them in it fills my head.

Work is going well so close to finished i can taste it.

aaaaaaaaaaa

is all i can say, last night was the best chill out sesh, i had to leave uni and i was sitting ther frustrated when a text came through, of course i went straight over and spent 1 hr and 30 min :) jees u gotta love it, its like meditation, only one thing go's though ur mind: how ur feeling at that very second. When i got home i cooked dinner and watched a film with a can of strong bow, awesome! today i feel so refreshed i can actually start the 2000 word report :)

i hate the scrambled egg feeling

The stress of final yr reaches boiling point today, people say i complain to much, which i think i do, but if i cnt complain to my own blog who can i complain to, today i had to remind myself that the waking world was real not my dream which left me in a wired imbertween stage for hours until the piece of work i spent all of sunday on failed at life. Spent hours redoing that, found out i didn't get the job at the union, wish i knew why. Have to start a 2000 word report now that because of being dyslexic will take a decade and theres a piece of work that should be included in it that i havent done because i cnt because i need the bloody unreliable support worker to help me. To top it off an ex has been talking about me to his mates which happen to be my friends as well and its only 14:43, what the fuck happened?! and all my friends are leaving and i will have to figure out wtf to do with my life soon, going with the flow never has been my strong point

k done

has had

an awesome few days with her mates :) BBQ's and sped up porn, JKD and empire :D am going to do wrk now, i have no food in the house which is going to be a pain in the bum

hung over much

with a few battle wounds. The suns shinning i wana sit on the grass and not do any thing

not sure why

but i just sacked off every guy that was interested in me for the simple life, no complications, i guess if i liked any of them enough the complications would be worth it so there my answer.

Am i actually preferring being single? hrmmm would love a night on the sofa with some1s arms round me thou

TWO SHEAS ARE OUT THIS WEEK :) :) :)

Trust

not sure how to trust sum1 again, let alone myself. If i let myself be with this person then im doomed to miss them, not sure what to do

migraine's and tsunami dreams

Dreams of drowning. Would rather the reoccurring dream of not being good enough to be honest rather than seeing a wave in the distance and knowing im going to die over and over. Before that i had a migraine which wasnt fun either, was trapped at a mates house had to go up stairs and wait for the nausea to pass before walking home.

It started off as such as nice day, sun was shinning, it was actually warm, went rollerskating, learnt some new tricks, got food at the Southfield and then me own body sabotaged me.

blaaaah got to spend today working so i can get it done before deadline tomorrow.

wen i'm old

When are we adults? wen is it to late, is the answer never cause god i hope so, i used to think when i was maybe 16-19 that being 22 i would no what i was doing more and not make embarrassing mistakes. This is the age that 30 somethings look back on as if it was the best time ever when they were free.

scrambled eggs and no eye dears

at uni and i have no idea what to do with my time that would be conducive to my studies.

HAHAHA just remembered a joke: what do u call a dear with no eyes?

...............

no idea!!

i feel like me brain is scrambled egg, dnt want to do any mre work :(

omg

back at uni and really stressed at the concept of work, haven't even started yet, this third yrs guna kill me, hopefully some fun tonight will be just what the dr ordered :)

stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed

like beyond

lifes a funny thing

u think u have the answers and then they dissolve in front of u. today i realised that none of us get wiser, mum had some very backwards view on life that confused me completely. I argued so profusely that my way was right, but how can i be u sure, how can any one, u choose ur own path and im cacking mine up, arnt we all?

The Royal Warrant

In stark contrast to sitting with my dad in a tattoo studio i have just spent the day in Chorleywood, Rickmansworth. A very well off area on the outskirts of london. I was quiet amused, sipping my glass of sauvignon, to hear my uncle mention the royal warrant his business had just received and the list of activities that the queen was at that he could attend should he so wish. He then moved on to say that new money was terrible. I knew what he meant when he said it and unfortunately i had already noticed the people he was on about.

Its the little things that make the difference when your in a nice restaurant filled with posh people. OH they'l sit their with their wellies on (or should i call them Wellington boots) with the labrador next to them toffing over something but the second u pick up the wrong fork and use it like a shovel they r on to u. My uncle is a classic example with his waist coat and tweed.

Then we moved on to a conversation of how the class system was corrupt with new money/ blood and how they'd never know the etiquette to be in a nice place... it made me wonder about myself, where to i fit with my back piece, lip piercing and love of metal?

I dont care I VERY much enjoyed my 3 scollops for £7, truffel risotto and 2 glasses of sauvignon

Its always in the evening when i feel pathetic, i guess its the time when i cnt fill my time with any thing and i start to think. I knancker myself out at uni so i dont have to stop or at least when i do i'm tired, but here im rested i can stop, i can think, i can feel alone. Sleep brings no rest from my thoughts cause u torture me in my dreams. Thoughts of not being good enough not fitting in swirl and form evil dreams, every god damn night.

magnolia trees and macaroni cheese...

... sums up my day, possibly thee most random day ever!

Mum and i went on a road trip to Hampsted, london. What a weird town, gated streets that u cnt go down, big hills with modern glass buildings, old english pubs next to bistros and cottages! seriously this place was strange! i loved it, so eclectic. We visited an old grave yard that supposedly one of my family members is buried in, the graves were piled high with ivy and gothic angels everywhere.

Then we drove to camden town which is my favourite place on the planet so far. Market stalls selling everything cool, alternative people the best alternative club, pints in the sun by the lock and the king of falafel.

Tonight just guna chill and meet up with gran in london tomorrow :)

Were going to one on my favourite restaurants for easter dinner, yummy, my friends would have a fit at how posh i am when im at home lol

mic check

New post new day i wonder what il be doing, mum was saying we should go into london and fill our bellies with sushi, i agree whole hartedly. In regards to my Dad he didnt buy me chocolate so it seems like it going to be a egg free easter, however he did by me some boxing glove wraps. We joked that he was big daddy and i was hit girl. My 20th birthday present consisted of a pair sais. My course of action with my ex is the only female course of action to be taken by females across the country: silent treatment.

This hole mess kinda begs the question... Is it really possible to be friends with an ex?

Ooh new day new start no more dwelling on crap, and dnt u dare think about uni work ur supposed to be having a small holiday, u no ur work will be better for it in the end

MK sucks to many bad things here, depressed an lonesome, facebook isnt the answer and nors this blog, sleep (no dreams please)

excluded moroseness

One chance, two chance thats usually all i give, i give more im failing myself, failing to realise that this person is no good for me. When i brake this personal rule it almost always ends up in pain. To explain in detail really would be delving deep, maybe to much so for now.

So as this post is so late it is safe for u to assume that i am not in a club with my old friends who i know for a fact are out. I didnt want to just turn up like some weird ex girlfriend, and i'd be damned before i invited myself.

Alot of effort was made on my behalf to include my ex in mine and my friends plans, but i knew if i didnt he would be sat on his own in boro. So now as i sit on my own thinking of them in a club drinking i wonder y i bothered, and maybe i wont any more. This would be the second time, i said to him how much i'd like to see Cassie and James and Stuart.

hrm

i wana go out tonight! tonight is the test really, i include my ex in my activities since he recently moved back to Middlesborough. He has limited friends but i make sure he comes out with us. Its not always easy i was with him for 3 and a half yrs but i never leave people out. I no what it feels like and would never do that deliberately to any one else. At home i have limited friends, well one actually, my best friend, thing is shes hardly ever up for the crack. So will my ex invite me out with his friends like ive been doing all yr long? we'l c

dads and tattoos

So spending the whole day in a tattoo studio with my Dad is actually my idea of fun. He's late already though and the appointment time with me friend James is getting abit close for comfort. Then on to c shutter island and a big debate over which is the best martial art probably over nandos as this is his fave :) i am a dadies girl really. He best have chocolate for me, i shelled out lol wheres mine?

waaaaa im confused how does this thing work? how do u find other people? im bored i wana read some blogs

ur gay and im new read my rant

K so first blog of all time

I wana keep it like a diary but dnt wana spill to much... how far will i reveal my own psyche to complete strangers we'l c i guess.

BY THE WAY if ur going to read this uve gotta no two things 1) i am going to use text speak 2) I am dyslexic so my wording/ the occasional spelling will be off, do not correct me or i'l hate u for ever!

Ive always found it very strange since i got to uni, it was the best thing that happened to me, i cried as i read the acceptance letter and teesside hasnt let me down, it is my home. So coming home for easter... docent feel like my home any more. I love my family i love seeing them but i want to go home at the same time.

Thank god i got into the MSc, another yr at Teesside with my new mates sounds like the most awesome thing ever! and scary as fuck.

Dyslexia never was a problem studying graphic design (well not till i got to the dissertation but thats another story)

It will be for my MSc thou cause i've chosen a different subject. People dont understand y i cant do the things other people find simple, neither do i to be honest. All i no is that ive had to struggle with it since i was born and next year will be an epic battle. Adults are the worst, they just think ur dumb and dont understand. They stereotype quicker.

I'm not stupid thou, just a different way of understanding things thats all, it can be harder to relate to some people but at the same time i get things other people dont.

If man kind could banish one thing it would be ignorance, through understanding u gain empathy through empathy the motivation for change.

well rant over, next rant.... tomorrow probably