freak out

crazyness is happening in my mind, ugh i hate mental illnesses. what is my problem? what is my barrier? y have i stopped being able to let people past a certain point? i hate myself for it.

decent people get hurt cause of me i really think they should just sty away, getting past that wall is like getting blood out of a stone and the people that try get left behind

unfortunately

the more i try and convince myself not to like u the more i actually do, u look at me and i feel electric, i act like a sick lost pup and i hate myself for it. I will come over and talk with u i will get drunk and stand far to close to u and i will get upset if u tell me u think some one else is hot. i apologise for being a twit.

i seem to be spending my days

completely overwhelmed by the amount of work i have to do and my evenings depressed at work serving the numberless faceless twats that want alcohol. If i dont get over this hump i will slip behind, i did work in my sleep again last night and came up with some good ideas funny enough i might have a decent dissertation topic out of it. I knew my other ideas to date were shite and it was playing on my mind. My exma's sooooo bad atm, its every where.

Im glad however that ive got training i rely on that friend group so much. all my other 'friends' have stopped including me.

i seem to be getting caught in a web of things

not sure really what to do about it, wish Juliet was here she always has awesome advise and then some how makes me forget about it al, i think the best way forwards wen it comes to emotional things like this is to make my choice and stick to it. So i will try and do that quick. i sure ive already chosen actually but i just wana make double sure, no coming back from this one

lots of people made judgements on me last night, that i was a slut and that i destroy men, and i worry about such myself, just cause i enjoy casual sex and dnt need any commitment from them, apparently i destroyed chris, but wed only been seeing each other for like 4 weeks and it wasnt going to work, 4 weeks and its not working out it never will. So instead of all the mean options i could have gone for like text dumping him or dragging it out longer i dint i maned up i spoke to him told him my feelings, cnt say fairer than that!

I never sleep with a guy and let them think that wer guna be anything more, i dnt hurt people. Yeh ive slept with alot of guys, so?

And its not like i cant stay committed i was in a three and a half yr relationship!

i really ant fucking wait to go to asia

its worth it its worth it its worth it, its worth working all summer with no summer holiday, its worth 60hr weeks, its work a 15,000 word dissertation, its worth working at a job that id rather not have to do all the time and the sleepless nights that follow, its worth no christmas or new yrs or halloween, ITS FUCKING WORTH IT, i am going to china i will make an awesome life for myself out of hard graft and pure determination.

ur gone and a little hole gapes, at least i can chill now, strange. ur leaving also, that im trying not to think about, i know we dont spend to much time together but knowing u wer down the road helped abit, i hate to think of u struggling, u dont deserve it, ur works awesome and i know u'l make it into something awesome, i know u'l life will be full of all the stability u crave and that i couldnt give u.

woop

I feel better, i feel better yayyayaya i can sleep again and i dnt feel sick! got training and a good night out planned and im well please, hopefully this really is the end of me sleep problems i am fed up of waking up in the middle of my room or waking up wen i should be asleep.

it is a shame that i am so fucked up that i cant go out with any one cause i will just fuck them up. im leaving for china, il never be able to settle down it sucks.

any way heres for awesomeness tonight