The greatest irony of life is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone after that person walks out from your life and sometimes you think you’re already over a person but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love; love is always present. It’s just the one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little as we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. Here’s a piece of advice: let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough and move on when things are not like before. There is someone out there who will love you even more, surely then, you will know true love.

Grans

U took me to grans today but i didnt realise and u didnt realise that i couldnt cope with this, i must be so suffocating that every ones gone out with out me

i ask you to come out with me yesterday u said no, now ur out, out of the blue, unplanned, but not with me

im sat here on my own completely trapped

I really am stuck on my arse

I never imagied life could be this bad again, i mean highschool was so bad that i wonder how i made it though, when i look back on these months i will wonder the same cause its so bad.

I want to be alone but i want you here

I want to these feelings to stop but i cnt seem to send them away

I feel like im not an amazing person because i cnt cope that i should be just getting on with it

il go numb if i can cause that is all i cn think of even though i know this approach distroys everything in its path, no relationship can survive numb holly

If He Blows Hot and Cold

If you are in love with a man that blows hot and cold, girl I feel for you. We have all been there. You have this chemistry with a man, it feels returned. Some days are just amazing. Others you don't even know if he will call or not. Worse, you wonder if you don't call him, would you even hear from him or not? It's a emotional roller coaster that is for sure.

Why do men blow hot and cold? Is he moody? Is it that he loves you but he just hasn't realized it yet. This is what I see a lot. Women staying with this up and down man hoping he will realize that one day he loves her and begins to stop the nonsense back and forth stuff. Many women even attempt to talk to their man about it. Oh this is only going to make it worse, don't talk about it. Men respond to distance, not words.

If you find yourself saying "but it was so great last time we were together, how can he just shut me out like that" you have one of those men that go from cold to hot. If you find yourself saying "but I love him", you have even bigger troubles. A man that changes temperatures is not a man in love. A man in love would not dream of putting you through that emotional push pull. If he is falling in love, you won't be left wondering why he disappeared.

He could be a commitment phobic, he could be emotionally unavailable, but the fact remains, he is what he is, not present in your life like you wished he would be. It's the hot times that keep you holding on. You think if he could just be like this all the time. If he could just see how much I love him, if this, if that.

The fact of the matter is being in love with a man like this is emotionally exhausting. You hold onto how it was in the beginning and ignore how it is now. Fairy dust will not just sprinkle from the sky and transform the hot and cold man into a great partner. Nothing will transform these men into great partners. You are in love with his potential and focused on what could or should be and not what is.

If he was going to become a great partner, he would have already done so. Men don't just wake up one day more interested in you or all of a sudden in love. Men to fall in love have to think about you. A hot and cold man doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about you. Here is a hard truth about these men. His attraction for you is not that strong.

More times than not, men that blow hot and cold may not see you as his dream girl. A man would never blow hot and cold to his dream girl. He might lose her. If he blows hot and cold, you could be just an option for now until someone else comes along. A man who is a good partner would not do this to a woman he truly cares about. He would not lead her on and then disappear for days. He wouldn't call some days and go silent for others.

Some hot and cold men stay around for a long time before they disappear. I have seen men blow hot and cold for one woman and turn around and blow hot all the time for another woman. Are you the fall girl here or his dream girl?

what would be the perfect relationship then?

I spen so much time thinking this relationship isnt rite, well what would be rite for me then? what do i want if i could have it?

I want a team member
A friend
Some one I can be silly with
Some one who listens to my fears and takes them seriously
Some one with a sense of adventure
Some one who respects my choices and opinion and stands by me for them
Some one who puts me above every thing else
Who values family and makes me part of it

y does it feel like you just dont wanna do anything with me any more

This week has been a shit week to be honest. not only did I loose my confidence in being able to perform in a professional environment, and have a few brake downs, Chewys become almost completely closed off and I dont think he even realizes it.

HE is fed up of me being around I dont care what he says. Y else would he be about his friends 24/7 and everything I wanna do or that im excited about he either shits on changes his mind completely and docent go. Hes stopped being attentive as well, I go up to him for attention and he is always the first to brake away and sum times he even looks put out by it. What am I supposed to do about that except for talk to him about it. Sept I already have and it changed nothing.

LOST

Im completly lost, what shall i do with myself?

I have no job, no home, no fixed address, no money, plenty of great friends but I still drift at the seems.

Me and the man are doing well, seems we kinda reached some level of understanding I guess, a middle ground we can both exist on.

So what do I do now? I went to an interview in Leeds, moving to Leeds and starting over scares me. Staying in Middlesbrough forever scares me, moving permanently back to MK scares me.

Do i get a job in Marketing or just get a job in general. Arnt I to old for this... im 24!

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made

I've learned to let go
Come on

Here's a middle finger
Coming straight from oca-l-a
I appreciate your judgement
it's proved that I can't trust a word you say
those must be some pair of binoculars
that you see every move I make
so I'll never be a liar
but you'll always be two-faced

You'll get what's coming to you
You're blinded by your instincts
I'm not your fucking game
I'm not so easily beat

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made
and I can't believe that I stayed
So unhappy for so long
Where did I go wrong?
I've got to get out of this
my hand is on the handle
We're leaving everything behind
Goodbye for a lifetime

I'll rip that scandalous bitch in two
We'll bring the noise

Try to pretend that I never even knew your name
'cause everything you are disgusts me
(Too bad I can't turn back time)
So I wouldn't be here
what I'd give for you to disappear
so tell me girly how's your edge?

You've got nothing better to do
I know why you can't see straight
I thought you were better than this
but you're just like everyone else

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made
and I can't believe that I stayed
So unhappy for so long
Where did I go wrong?
I've got to get out of this
my hand is on the handle
We're leaving everything behind
Goodbye for a lifetime

I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends

Get low
Now I know who my friends are
I'm never coming home

mirrors

my eyes are mirrors
my smiles fake
my confidence shivers
loves a mistake

dont ask for my heart in lies in tatters
dont ask for my soul its so weak it shatters

i want these feelings to fade
instead they cut deep like a sharp blade

different now

ur different to me now, things i believed, things u said, they werent true were they

u said ud never get board of me if i was in your house, that this is my home to: its sooo very not thou is it, in the first week of me being here u were completely fed up of me and thought about dumping me, treated me like crap.

U cryed and said u wanted me back, that ud just been stressed because of your back pain and you didnt know how to cope, cept it wasnt just your back was it, ud thought about dumping me, it was me.

u said it was only ever natalie that flirted with you, that you ignored her wen ever she tryed: but u didnt did you, u asked her to sleep with you.

told her u didnt see the point in relationships while u were with me. didnt see the point in me.

How am i supposed to go back to how it was knowing all of that?

grans ill, dads not talking and i loose my job in three weeks. i feel down down down

new year

New year and i enter it with out a clue, i have no clue what so ever

I guess u determine your own way so i choose alittle bit of traveling this year, trying to sort it all now make sure im ready, last year i failed at traveling to complete my masters which was very worth it. ive still got the picture from when i took all my traveling savings out of the bank to pay for the rent and bills. cryed loads when i handed all that cash over to the housing place.

not this year

i wanna see all the ways people live their lifes, so many different ways of thinking, so many different answers to one question: how to live

I saw her laugh then she said go away

I love u.... i just dont like you any more

ANGER

so ur angry again, our evenings gos like this and it proper does my tits in:

"do u want a dinner?"

shrugs

"well are you hungry?"

shrugs

"well what have u eaten today?"

a chicken pasty

"ok so u need dinner, any ideas?"

shrugs

"just tell me if u want me to sort ur dinner"

"il just eat sumin,"

"ok il get a salad then,"

"or we could have fahitas,"

"ok i think theres two fahitas left"

"i want more than two,"

"fine"

-_-

i sound like a mum trying to get a moody teenager to eat, so rude, im being nice offering to cook and sort a nice warm meal, the least my 21 year old boyfriend can do is say oh yes i would like to eat and please can we have this and maybe some gratitude for the offer of a hime cooked meal

maybe he dosnt care

maybe i should just leave him to his stupid microwave

why am i still shaking

BACK TO SQUARE ONE, WHY AM I STILL HERE, its my fault i let him in i let him do this, i let him have another go, its my fault, i should just accept my fate

i cant get through to him, hes not a noraml person, a normal person would get this but he twists and changes

Fickle is my word for the day

This word interests me today

fickle - marked by erratic changeableness in affections or attachments; "fickle friends"; "a flirt's volatile affections" volatile inconstant - likely to change frequently often without apparent or cogent reason; variable; "inconstant affections"; "an inconstant lover"; "swear not by...the inconstant moon"- Shakespeare

How to be a good boyfriend... how to be a good girl friend

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Boyfriend

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Girlfriend

Thought these articles were really good, im upset with chewy today which sucks, been abit annoyed with him the last few days tbh, i feel like hes cooled off... like hes not really thinking about me as much becuase maybe it is all about the chase with him. Im worried, he will just go back to how he was before and i will have to leave him and leave him for good!

Im worried i will just end up with nothing.

I saw on facebook he liked this page, a stupid page to like, liking a page on facebook means you agree to it ethos or philosophy... hes liked stupid pages that have upset me before like the one about sleeping with my friends when we brake up.

"I know we are only friends but i would fucking ditroy you'

EVERY one of our age group knows distroy is in a sexual way, and the picture of the sexy girl as the main pic for the group give it away

So which mate is thinkign of distroying when he liked this page.

He asks me to be cool about his friends but how am i supposed to when he does stupid little things like this all the time.

three days grace

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Only when I stop to think about you,
I know
Only when you stop to think about me,
do you know?

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

i cn help alittle

Me: hello

Venter: hi\

Me: how r u?

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Me: hello

Venter: hey

Venter: I'm feeling shitty right now

Me: tell me about it, im here to listen or help if i can

Venter: okay well

Venter: my mom went away on a weekend with her friends for the jewish holiday

Venter: and it was great without her, stress free, I could do what I want, go where I want, whenever.

Venter: and when she came back yesterday, I felt suffocated again.

Venter: I get really bad migraines

Venter: and I feel like the stress from her, is the reason I get them

Venter: I don't know why though, it's not like shes a terrible person or anything

Me: what does she do that stresses you out?

Venter: When she opens her mouth it just makes me mad or upset

Venter: Whenever I have a migraine I'm sensitive to light and sound

Venter: and she just goes about crinkling bags, and walking heavily

Me: yes i get bad migraines as well

Venter: they're terrible

Me: does she do it deliberately?

Venter: Sometimes I think she does, but I honestly don't know.

Venter: Then I cover my ears, and she starts yelling at me.

Me: have you talked to her?

Venter: She's impossible to talk to.

Me: do you think she wont listen?

Venter: Whenever I talk to her about anything serious, it's like I'm talking to a brick wall.

Venter: she'll listen to what I say, and then say something that has nothing to do with what I just said,

Venter: Like

Venter: I told her I was depressed last year, and how I have been for so long

Venter: and she honestly just said, it happens to everyone, brush it off.

Me: do you think your mum could be depressed?

Venter: My mom is so gilded. Our family is so gilded. On the outside we are this perfect family, but on the inside we're falling apart.

Venter: My mom doesn't want people to know who we really are.

Venter: I have no idea.

Venter: I mean if she was depressed don't you think she'd try to help me and herself?

Me: its very hard for sum one who is depressed to talk about there feelings, and it is very easy for some one who has been depressed for along time to block out all emotion

Me: you were very strong in confiding inyour mum

Venter: yeah and now it'll never happen again because she shot me down.

Me: yea it wasnt very good of her

Venter: I brought her to this teen depression thing at my school,

Venter: and afterward I was like, mom what do you think

Venter: and she looked at me and said, don't you start, there is nothing wrong with you, stop it already.

Me: do you think that what you told her is to hard for her to deal with

Venter: I don't know, but still.

Venter: I have to deal with it everyday!

Me: yea honestly im not making excuses for her

Me: im just tryng to find out why

Venter: I know.

Me: when you know that it wont hurt so much

Me: maybe she dosnt have a good relationship with her mum

Venter: she does though

Me: and talking about big issues got brushed under the carpet and she dosnt know how to talk to you in that way

Venter: Maybe.

Me: u know ur mum, there must be a reason

Me: however keep talking to her

Me: i bet she hates herself for not being able to deal with the problems youve bought up

Venter: my mom quit smoking a year ago

Venter: and ever since she quit she's be terrible.

Venter: As if shes bi polar.

Me: so she has manic highs and depressive lows?

Venter: One moment she's absolutely happy

Venter: and if you say something even if it isn't bad

Venter: she'll flip out.

Me: it does sound like she has a problem then

Me: is there something that could have cause it?

Venter: I'm not sure

Venter: her dad used to drink a lot and my dad told me that he used to be abusive to her mom

Venter: and my dad isn't sure if she was every hit or not

Venter: *ever

Me: well that could make her feel very unballenced

Venter: I'm not sure is bi polar is triggered by an event...

Venter: I'll have to look up on it

Me: no i think it isnt

Me: i asked that question to figure out if she was depressed or had bipolar

Venter: I have terrible anxiety, and I'm almost positive I have some sort of depression.

Me: how does it effect u?

Venter: which anxiety or depression?

Me: if u dnt mind me asking, both

Venter: well I always nervous, and I get terrible panic attack just started recently. I had two in two weeks, and I felt as if I was being suffocated and that I was going to die.

Venter: and depression, well

Venter: When I'm happy it's really not very often, and it doesn't last long at all

Venter: around this time of year I just get so angsty, upset, and I guess I just hate everything

Me: panic attacks sound horrible ive watched my sister have them

Me: i had depression for a long time, and i know what my triggers are

Venter: depression doesn't really go away though

Me: no

Venter: you can go through periods where it's a little better

Me: it stays untill u figure what caused it

Venter: but it's always lingering somewhere.

Me: yes

Me: it is very difficult

Venter: even if you know what caused it, it's still there.

Me: i wish it was more accepted among people

Venter: I know.

Me: i think it is becoming better accepted

Venter: When someone says depression people are all *gasp*

Me: is your dad some one you can talk to

Venter: she wants to kill herself right now

Venter: depends, not really on this topic

Me: how about just ur mum?

Venter: Me and my dad talk about mom a lot

Venter: we hate how she changed

Venter: and we want her to start smoking again because shes absolutely terrible to be around

Me: lol that wnt be the answer

Venter: I know, but god, If you saw her.

Me: have you both sat down with her and told her that ur worried about her and that you think she needs to accept some help

Venter: If we did that, she'd go crazy.

Venter: She hates being teamed up on.

Venter: Whever my parents make me choose sides and usually my dad's right

Venter: my mom freaks out.

Me: yea but she obviously needs some help

Me: u cant force her

Venter: she also doesn't believe in medication or therapy

Venter: so nothing can really help her.

Me: thats the hardest thing about having someone around whos depressed,they become very selfish

Me: i have been selfish

Venter: she wont get either for me, so I doubt she'd get it for herself.

Venter: i'm very selfish

Me: then she will have to reach rock bottom

Venter: shes getting close

Venter: and so am I

Me: a low point that makes her think i cnt carry on like this

Me: u have asked for help and like i said it is gr8 u have done that

Me: carry on

Me: u see where your mum is and you dont have to be the same

Venter: she wont give me help though

Me: maybe not, she cant, shes to wrapped up in how badshe feels

Venter: she said you don't need therapy or meds

Venter: I said but what if I really do?

Venter: and shes like you don't end of story.

Me: u will have to help your self, we all have to help ourselfs

Venter: how?

Me: only u know what will help you

Me: i keep myself very busy when i feel depressed

Me: andthen when i cnt stand that i stay indoors and get more sad, and then i just go fuck this, and for a while i feel better

Venter: when I'm busy, I get stressed, when I get stressed, I get anxious, when I'm anxious I get panic attacks, when I get panic attack I want to die.

Me: i really wish id talked to my dr

Me: u should

Venter: I'm scared.

Me: yes

Me: it is scarry to face ur self

Venter: What if they find out that I'm

Me: ?

Venter: depressed or i have anxiety

Venter: and then they subscribe me to meds

Venter: and i feel so guilty because meds and therapy is so expensive

Me: u dont have to have the meds

Me: ah ur in america?

Venter: mhm

Me: errmm do they not have any free stuff?

Venter: nope

Venter: I want to tell someone

Me: talk to the dr anyway, he might be able to tell u something like a group you can go to

Venter: but I'm so fucking scared.

Me: it is not easy

Me: ur mum is scared to

Me: that is why she cant talk about it

Me: what about a teacher?

Venter: I don't want to burden anyone

Me: u wnt be

Me: you are not alone

Me: alot alot of people feel depressed

Me: it is something the world needs to talk about more

Venter: yeah.

Me: :)

Me: u can do it

Me: life can be very hard

Venter: i'll try

Venter: thanks

Me: learn about your self and love it

Venter: i've got to run now

Me: ok

Venter: thanks for everything

Me: good luck

Venter: xxx