mirrors

my eyes are mirrors
my smiles fake
my confidence shivers
loves a mistake

dont ask for my heart in lies in tatters
dont ask for my soul its so weak it shatters

i want these feelings to fade
instead they cut deep like a sharp blade

different now

ur different to me now, things i believed, things u said, they werent true were they

u said ud never get board of me if i was in your house, that this is my home to: its sooo very not thou is it, in the first week of me being here u were completely fed up of me and thought about dumping me, treated me like crap.

U cryed and said u wanted me back, that ud just been stressed because of your back pain and you didnt know how to cope, cept it wasnt just your back was it, ud thought about dumping me, it was me.

u said it was only ever natalie that flirted with you, that you ignored her wen ever she tryed: but u didnt did you, u asked her to sleep with you.

told her u didnt see the point in relationships while u were with me. didnt see the point in me.

How am i supposed to go back to how it was knowing all of that?

grans ill, dads not talking and i loose my job in three weeks. i feel down down down

new year

New year and i enter it with out a clue, i have no clue what so ever

I guess u determine your own way so i choose alittle bit of traveling this year, trying to sort it all now make sure im ready, last year i failed at traveling to complete my masters which was very worth it. ive still got the picture from when i took all my traveling savings out of the bank to pay for the rent and bills. cryed loads when i handed all that cash over to the housing place.

not this year

i wanna see all the ways people live their lifes, so many different ways of thinking, so many different answers to one question: how to live

I saw her laugh then she said go away

I love u.... i just dont like you any more

ANGER

so ur angry again, our evenings gos like this and it proper does my tits in:

"do u want a dinner?"

shrugs

"well are you hungry?"

shrugs

"well what have u eaten today?"

a chicken pasty

"ok so u need dinner, any ideas?"

shrugs

"just tell me if u want me to sort ur dinner"

"il just eat sumin,"

"ok il get a salad then,"

"or we could have fahitas,"

"ok i think theres two fahitas left"

"i want more than two,"

"fine"

-_-

i sound like a mum trying to get a moody teenager to eat, so rude, im being nice offering to cook and sort a nice warm meal, the least my 21 year old boyfriend can do is say oh yes i would like to eat and please can we have this and maybe some gratitude for the offer of a hime cooked meal

maybe he dosnt care

maybe i should just leave him to his stupid microwave

why am i still shaking

BACK TO SQUARE ONE, WHY AM I STILL HERE, its my fault i let him in i let him do this, i let him have another go, its my fault, i should just accept my fate

i cant get through to him, hes not a noraml person, a normal person would get this but he twists and changes

Fickle is my word for the day

This word interests me today

fickle - marked by erratic changeableness in affections or attachments; "fickle friends"; "a flirt's volatile affections" volatile inconstant - likely to change frequently often without apparent or cogent reason; variable; "inconstant affections"; "an inconstant lover"; "swear not by...the inconstant moon"- Shakespeare