new year

New year and i enter it with out a clue, i have no clue what so ever

I guess u determine your own way so i choose alittle bit of traveling this year, trying to sort it all now make sure im ready, last year i failed at traveling to complete my masters which was very worth it. ive still got the picture from when i took all my traveling savings out of the bank to pay for the rent and bills. cryed loads when i handed all that cash over to the housing place.

not this year

i wanna see all the ways people live their lifes, so many different ways of thinking, so many different answers to one question: how to live

I saw her laugh then she said go away

I love u.... i just dont like you any more

ANGER

so ur angry again, our evenings gos like this and it proper does my tits in:

"do u want a dinner?"

shrugs

"well are you hungry?"

shrugs

"well what have u eaten today?"

a chicken pasty

"ok so u need dinner, any ideas?"

shrugs

"just tell me if u want me to sort ur dinner"

"il just eat sumin,"

"ok il get a salad then,"

"or we could have fahitas,"

"ok i think theres two fahitas left"

"i want more than two,"

"fine"

-_-

i sound like a mum trying to get a moody teenager to eat, so rude, im being nice offering to cook and sort a nice warm meal, the least my 21 year old boyfriend can do is say oh yes i would like to eat and please can we have this and maybe some gratitude for the offer of a hime cooked meal

maybe he dosnt care

maybe i should just leave him to his stupid microwave

why am i still shaking

BACK TO SQUARE ONE, WHY AM I STILL HERE, its my fault i let him in i let him do this, i let him have another go, its my fault, i should just accept my fate

i cant get through to him, hes not a noraml person, a normal person would get this but he twists and changes

Fickle is my word for the day

This word interests me today

fickle - marked by erratic changeableness in affections or attachments; "fickle friends"; "a flirt's volatile affections" volatile inconstant - likely to change frequently often without apparent or cogent reason; variable; "inconstant affections"; "an inconstant lover"; "swear not by...the inconstant moon"- Shakespeare

How to be a good boyfriend... how to be a good girl friend

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Boyfriend

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Girlfriend

Thought these articles were really good, im upset with chewy today which sucks, been abit annoyed with him the last few days tbh, i feel like hes cooled off... like hes not really thinking about me as much becuase maybe it is all about the chase with him. Im worried, he will just go back to how he was before and i will have to leave him and leave him for good!

Im worried i will just end up with nothing.

I saw on facebook he liked this page, a stupid page to like, liking a page on facebook means you agree to it ethos or philosophy... hes liked stupid pages that have upset me before like the one about sleeping with my friends when we brake up.

"I know we are only friends but i would fucking ditroy you'

EVERY one of our age group knows distroy is in a sexual way, and the picture of the sexy girl as the main pic for the group give it away

So which mate is thinkign of distroying when he liked this page.

He asks me to be cool about his friends but how am i supposed to when he does stupid little things like this all the time.

three days grace

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Only when I stop to think about you,
I know
Only when you stop to think about me,
do you know?

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

i cn help alittle

Me: hello

Venter: hi\

Me: how r u?

Your partner has left the chat. Click here to be connected to a new venter.

System: Please wait while we find you a new chat partner.

System: Searching for a chat partner...

System: A new venter has entered your chat

Me: hello

Venter: hey

Venter: I'm feeling shitty right now

Me: tell me about it, im here to listen or help if i can

Venter: okay well

Venter: my mom went away on a weekend with her friends for the jewish holiday

Venter: and it was great without her, stress free, I could do what I want, go where I want, whenever.

Venter: and when she came back yesterday, I felt suffocated again.

Venter: I get really bad migraines

Venter: and I feel like the stress from her, is the reason I get them

Venter: I don't know why though, it's not like shes a terrible person or anything

Me: what does she do that stresses you out?

Venter: When she opens her mouth it just makes me mad or upset

Venter: Whenever I have a migraine I'm sensitive to light and sound

Venter: and she just goes about crinkling bags, and walking heavily

Me: yes i get bad migraines as well

Venter: they're terrible

Me: does she do it deliberately?

Venter: Sometimes I think she does, but I honestly don't know.

Venter: Then I cover my ears, and she starts yelling at me.

Me: have you talked to her?

Venter: She's impossible to talk to.

Me: do you think she wont listen?

Venter: Whenever I talk to her about anything serious, it's like I'm talking to a brick wall.

Venter: she'll listen to what I say, and then say something that has nothing to do with what I just said,

Venter: Like

Venter: I told her I was depressed last year, and how I have been for so long

Venter: and she honestly just said, it happens to everyone, brush it off.

Me: do you think your mum could be depressed?

Venter: My mom is so gilded. Our family is so gilded. On the outside we are this perfect family, but on the inside we're falling apart.

Venter: My mom doesn't want people to know who we really are.

Venter: I have no idea.

Venter: I mean if she was depressed don't you think she'd try to help me and herself?

Me: its very hard for sum one who is depressed to talk about there feelings, and it is very easy for some one who has been depressed for along time to block out all emotion

Me: you were very strong in confiding inyour mum

Venter: yeah and now it'll never happen again because she shot me down.

Me: yea it wasnt very good of her

Venter: I brought her to this teen depression thing at my school,

Venter: and afterward I was like, mom what do you think

Venter: and she looked at me and said, don't you start, there is nothing wrong with you, stop it already.

Me: do you think that what you told her is to hard for her to deal with

Venter: I don't know, but still.

Venter: I have to deal with it everyday!

Me: yea honestly im not making excuses for her

Me: im just tryng to find out why

Venter: I know.

Me: when you know that it wont hurt so much

Me: maybe she dosnt have a good relationship with her mum

Venter: she does though

Me: and talking about big issues got brushed under the carpet and she dosnt know how to talk to you in that way

Venter: Maybe.

Me: u know ur mum, there must be a reason

Me: however keep talking to her

Me: i bet she hates herself for not being able to deal with the problems youve bought up

Venter: my mom quit smoking a year ago

Venter: and ever since she quit she's be terrible.

Venter: As if shes bi polar.

Me: so she has manic highs and depressive lows?

Venter: One moment she's absolutely happy

Venter: and if you say something even if it isn't bad

Venter: she'll flip out.

Me: it does sound like she has a problem then

Me: is there something that could have cause it?

Venter: I'm not sure

Venter: her dad used to drink a lot and my dad told me that he used to be abusive to her mom

Venter: and my dad isn't sure if she was every hit or not

Venter: *ever

Me: well that could make her feel very unballenced

Venter: I'm not sure is bi polar is triggered by an event...

Venter: I'll have to look up on it

Me: no i think it isnt

Me: i asked that question to figure out if she was depressed or had bipolar

Venter: I have terrible anxiety, and I'm almost positive I have some sort of depression.

Me: how does it effect u?

Venter: which anxiety or depression?

Me: if u dnt mind me asking, both

Venter: well I always nervous, and I get terrible panic attack just started recently. I had two in two weeks, and I felt as if I was being suffocated and that I was going to die.

Venter: and depression, well

Venter: When I'm happy it's really not very often, and it doesn't last long at all

Venter: around this time of year I just get so angsty, upset, and I guess I just hate everything

Me: panic attacks sound horrible ive watched my sister have them

Me: i had depression for a long time, and i know what my triggers are

Venter: depression doesn't really go away though

Me: no

Venter: you can go through periods where it's a little better

Me: it stays untill u figure what caused it

Venter: but it's always lingering somewhere.

Me: yes

Me: it is very difficult

Venter: even if you know what caused it, it's still there.

Me: i wish it was more accepted among people

Venter: I know.

Me: i think it is becoming better accepted

Venter: When someone says depression people are all *gasp*

Me: is your dad some one you can talk to

Venter: she wants to kill herself right now

Venter: depends, not really on this topic

Me: how about just ur mum?

Venter: Me and my dad talk about mom a lot

Venter: we hate how she changed

Venter: and we want her to start smoking again because shes absolutely terrible to be around

Me: lol that wnt be the answer

Venter: I know, but god, If you saw her.

Me: have you both sat down with her and told her that ur worried about her and that you think she needs to accept some help

Venter: If we did that, she'd go crazy.

Venter: She hates being teamed up on.

Venter: Whever my parents make me choose sides and usually my dad's right

Venter: my mom freaks out.

Me: yea but she obviously needs some help

Me: u cant force her

Venter: she also doesn't believe in medication or therapy

Venter: so nothing can really help her.

Me: thats the hardest thing about having someone around whos depressed,they become very selfish

Me: i have been selfish

Venter: she wont get either for me, so I doubt she'd get it for herself.

Venter: i'm very selfish

Me: then she will have to reach rock bottom

Venter: shes getting close

Venter: and so am I

Me: a low point that makes her think i cnt carry on like this

Me: u have asked for help and like i said it is gr8 u have done that

Me: carry on

Me: u see where your mum is and you dont have to be the same

Venter: she wont give me help though

Me: maybe not, she cant, shes to wrapped up in how badshe feels

Venter: she said you don't need therapy or meds

Venter: I said but what if I really do?

Venter: and shes like you don't end of story.

Me: u will have to help your self, we all have to help ourselfs

Venter: how?

Me: only u know what will help you

Me: i keep myself very busy when i feel depressed

Me: andthen when i cnt stand that i stay indoors and get more sad, and then i just go fuck this, and for a while i feel better

Venter: when I'm busy, I get stressed, when I get stressed, I get anxious, when I'm anxious I get panic attacks, when I get panic attack I want to die.

Me: i really wish id talked to my dr

Me: u should

Venter: I'm scared.

Me: yes

Me: it is scarry to face ur self

Venter: What if they find out that I'm

Me: ?

Venter: depressed or i have anxiety

Venter: and then they subscribe me to meds

Venter: and i feel so guilty because meds and therapy is so expensive

Me: u dont have to have the meds

Me: ah ur in america?

Venter: mhm

Me: errmm do they not have any free stuff?

Venter: nope

Venter: I want to tell someone

Me: talk to the dr anyway, he might be able to tell u something like a group you can go to

Venter: but I'm so fucking scared.

Me: it is not easy

Me: ur mum is scared to

Me: that is why she cant talk about it

Me: what about a teacher?

Venter: I don't want to burden anyone

Me: u wnt be

Me: you are not alone

Me: alot alot of people feel depressed

Me: it is something the world needs to talk about more

Venter: yeah.

Me: :)

Me: u can do it

Me: life can be very hard

Venter: i'll try

Venter: thanks

Me: learn about your self and love it

Venter: i've got to run now

Me: ok

Venter: thanks for everything

Me: good luck

Venter: xxx